Their Life in Snapshots
by Robina Snyder
Summary: Some timeline somewhere fractures and Lucifer is let out of the cage far earlier than expected. He spends it in the company of his new family: John Winchester and his sons.
1. July 2006

John's funeral is the most depressing thing Dean can imagine. He doesn't even know how to deal with it. Lucifer and Sam insisted on black suits. Bobby came, and other people they knew, that their dad knew. Dean wondered if this was a normal amount of people for a hunter's funeral, probably not. He felt numb all the way through. It would be terrifying if he could feel anything at all.

It's a beautiful day, not too hot, not too cold. It doesn't rain. It's nothing like what Dean thought it would be like. Sam's holding Lucifer's hand and they lean on other. Outside of Bobby no one there knows who Lucifer is, really is. Dean has never hated him so much as he does at the funeral.

People trickle away. Bobby heads back first to get the house open. All the food's there. It's a real funeral with a reception afterward and everything. Dean knows his dad probably would have hated it, but Lucifer picked it.

Dean's left alone with Sam and Lucifer. Even the preacher's gone. There's no body to bury. They had John cremated. Lucifer's going to use their father's ashes in the garden. But they wanted a headstone. It was the only thing all of them agreed on.

"Why can't you bring him back?" Dean snaps suddenly.

"Because it doesn't work that way, Dean," Lucifer says. His eyes were fixed on the headstone.

"Dean, don't." Sam tries to calm Dean down. Dean isn't having it.

"No, Sam. Dad's dead. If he's," he glares harder at Lucifer who doesn't look at him. "As powerful as he says he is, then he can bring dad back."

"It doesn't work that way," Lucifer said again. "There are some things even I don't have the ability to do."

"Why not? Why can't you?"

"Because only my father, or Death can bring John back. It isn't within my ability. No angel has this ability. We can halt death, but this wasn't one I could stop."

"You should have been there for him. You shouldn't have been away!" Dean was furious. It was something so stupid, just a damn car accident. Dean was the worst hurt, but he made it and their dad didn't it. Dean shouldn't have been driving.

"No, I shouldn't," Lucifer says quietly. He looks up from the headstone. There's no emotion on his face, no warmth. That's all they see before Lucifer's just gone, the sound of wings all that's left behind.

"Lucifer!" both Dean and Sam shout. Sam about drops to his knees to pray and try to get Lucifer back. Dean grabs Sam to keep him from doing that, but Sam still prays. They wait for a moment, but Lucifer doesn't come back.

"Come on, Sammy," Dean says quietly. "Let's go. We've got people waiting for us."

"Why isn't he coming back?" Sam asks quietly. He'd been holding up well before, but now he looks heartbroken. Dean really wants to punch Lucifer now.

"I don't know, Sam," Dean says. He wants to say something about how Lucifer was just using them, or something. But Sam's distraught and Dean just can't make it worse for him now.

* * *

**A/N: So, this is a John/Lucifer fic, which will also have Weechesters, and probably Destiel later, and Gabriel at some point. It will be completely non-linear, but I'll note the date as the chapter title so you at least won't be confused. **

**This is in the same universe as the Jucifer story from my Domesticity Meme Stories.**


	2. September 1998

Lucifer drives with Dean the weekend he heads to Kansas City Kansas Community College. Sam stays home, after he's said his goodbyes. John doesn't show up. Silently Lucifer is furious. When Sam turned twelve and admitted that he wanted to go to college, Lucifer had begun fighting an uphill battle against both John and Dean. So what that John hadn't even finished High School? That didn't mean his sons had to be just like him.

"You didn't have to come with me," Dean tells Lucifer, but Lucifer knows Dean is secretly happy to have someone with him. Just like he's secretly very hurt that John didn't even come home to say goodbye. It wasn't like Dean was far away. He was a thirty minute drive from home, but Lucifer had convinced him to take student housing.

Really, it was very easy to convince Dean, he just had to keep reminding him about Sam. Hey Dean, you should work on being able to graduate. Sammy needs a good example to follow. Hey, Dean, you should go to college because with how smart Sammy is he really should go. It'll set a good example. Hey, Dean, you should really try on campus housing, because that way when Sam does go to college he won't feel like he has to stay at home.

The only problem was John, really. Lucifer had been around the boy's enough to know that Dean was every bit as brilliant as Sam, and had even more stereotypically nerdy interests; he just hid them very well. Lucifer was still gritting his teeth with the fact that Dean had only picked a two year school, and he'd picked it because it was close to home and had one of the cheapest price tags. KU was even closer to home, but Dean hadn't even applied because he didn't think he'd get accepted.

"I didn't have to, but two sets of hands are better for getting a room set up," Lucifer points out.

"Are you going to give me a good talking too about studying hard again?" Dean asks as he parks the car.

"Only if you're going to try and switch to cars again."

"It's not like I'm going to use any of the other stuff, Luce."

"Yeah," Lucifer says, getting out and heading for the trunk. "But you already know enough about cars that taking the classes aren't necessary. And since you plan to hunt and not fix cars, there's really no point in that track."

"But Audio Engineering and Victim/Survivor Services?" Dean starts to grab some of his bags out of the trunk. It wasn't like he was bringing a lot. He'd gone on more and more hunting trips with his dad, and knew how to live light. Four bags seemed like more than enough.

"You like music."

"Yeah, well, I don't see how it's useful."

"You never know when you might have to know some kind of sound that can tame a savage beast."

"Ass," Dean muttered, shutting the trunk. He and Lucifer each had two of the full packed bags. "But Victim/Survivor Services?"

"You'll run into a lot of victims in your line of work. Wouldn't it be better to know how to deal with them? It might make getting information easier, anyway."

"Yeah… okay," Dean says. Lucifer is pleased to find that something finally seemed to get through to Dean. Now he just had to hope a year of studying away from John would make Dean interested in applying to KU or some other school to finis ha four year degree.

Lucifer helps Dean get signed in, and get unpacked. Even with the relatively low cost of the school, Lucifer knows Dean's teeth are gritting at all the fees he's had to pay for housing and parking. Lucifer can't help but feel a touch guilty for this. He provides for the boys, but he doesn't live above a certain level because he knew it made John feel bad for not being able to provide for his family. Now Lucifer wishes he had given the boys everything so Dean wouldn't been so scared of spending too much.

It doesn't take long to unpack everything. Sam bought Dean two posters for his room, one's Led Zeppelin cover, and the other is a movie poster for Chinatown. Dean smiles when he sees his room set up, and Lucifer smiles a bit to see Dean happy. This will be good for him, Lucifer thinks.

Lucifer and Dean exchange terse goodbyes and Lucifer leaves. He wanders off before taking flight away from praying eyes and returns home to Sam. Sam looks nervous when Lucifer comes home. Lucifer frowns, seeing John's come home.

"Don't worry," Lucifer says and goes to deal with John. Today he's not in the mood to coddle the man, who's already found the whiskey.


	3. November 1, 2001

John was absolutely certain that it's their anniversary. He actually remembered this year and everything. It helped that Sam had programmed his cell phone to go off every loudly to tell him how many days until the date. He'd have to thank Sam for that later. Or maybe his thanks would just be a lack of a blow up, because they had a fight every year on their anniversary.

Not this year, oh no. It only took 13 years. Now to be fair, it could be argued for 12 years. Lucifer liked to think of their anniversary as the day John saved him from the snow. John liked to think of their anniversary as the day he let Lucifer come back into his life. They'd spent the first eight years arguing about which date was correct. So, to be fair, since John always remembered the date he thought was important, he wasn't being forgetful. After that he just had trouble not mixing up the two dates.

But this year he was ready! He was on his way home for a week, and he had his gift all ready. He had a large collection of seeds for Lucifer's garden… okay, it didn't seem like much, but Lucifer liked plants and animals more than people. Their backyard was as wild as their neighborhood lawn Nazis would allow, but the front yard was where Lucifer kept his garden. John had spent a full year gathering seeds from the places he'd been, a lot of seeds he knew didn't come easily to Kansas.

He arrived promptly at 5pm, right when Sam told him to arrive. Lucifer, when in the right mood, could be a stickler for exactly on time (not late, not early). Sam had assured him that he and Dean were off at KU for the evening and they'd be back in the afternoon, but not before that.

John grabbed his box (a fancy hand-carved thing he'd never admit out loud to having commissioned because he thought Lucifer would like it better than gift wrap) and bound inside. He was not at all disappointed. It was hard to be disappointed when he suddenly found himself with a big armful of angel.

"You showed up," Lucifer said.

"I showed up last year," John pointed out.

"At 11:59," Lucifer pointed out, looking sour. His vessel was just a little bit shorter than John, something John always took satisfaction in. Compared to Lucifer's real form, John was probably just an insect.

"Can we not argue tonight?" John asked.

"You started it," Lucifer pointed out, but he hadn't pulled away. John smiled.

"Here, got you something," he said, holding out his box.

Lucifer's face turned curious and her let go of John to examine the box. He turned the box around in his hands, his eyes tracing the carvings before tracing them with his fingers. John smiled just a bit, but it made him angry at God all over again. Lucifer always looked surprised when he got gifts. Christmas the first year after they figured out who he was had been terribly awkward, but the completely useless tie Sam and Dean had saved up to buy Luce had broken all the tension.

John knew Lucifer still had it, and wore it whenever he had to go to a parent teacher conference. The 40-something with the tie with the rainbow and noah's ark on it.

Lucifer flipped open the latch before looking curiously inside. The seeds had little interchangeable labels on their drawers. Lucifer opened one and then shut it. He shut the box and set it aside. John had a moment where he wanted to say 'it's not much'. But he didn't. If Lucifer didn't like it… well, it was what it was.

"Thank you, John. I'll take good care of it."

John relaxed. He hadn't realized that he'd been holding in a breath that long. "Good. I don't know how many of those you can use here… but I thought…" he stopped trying to explain and just shrugged. Lucifer could conjure himself whatever he wanted. There really wasn't any point to what John had done, now that he thought about.

"No," Lucifer said, grabbing his arm and taking him to the kitchen. "No feeling worried. I, well I appreciate it very much."

"Is there something you'd like more?" John asked quickly. Picking stuff for Lucifer was so hard. John was easy to get gifts for. Get him something practical and he's good.

"I don't-" Lucifer stopped himself and looked back at John. John always wondered who Lucifer's vessel was. Lucifer said his name would have been Nick. Whoever Nick was, he had incredibly blue eyes. Lucifer placed his hands on John's face. "I don't know what I want half the time. I'm content here… I just didn't know I wanted your gift until you gave it to me."

John tugged him into a hug. "You're allowed to want things, you know."

"Yeah," Lucifer said noncommittally.

"Come on, you made dinner, let's eat," John said, pulling out the chair for Lucifer. Lucifer chuckled the same way Mary always had when John turned on the chivalry. It turned out not everything John's father had taught him had been useless.


	4. July 16th 2006

Lucifer ran after John. John didn't slow down. Dean's heart had stopped. Lucifer had started it again, but Dean was gone. There was just a body there and that was all. John wouldn't stop. Lucifer finally gave up on pretending to be human and flew. He appeared in front of John and shoved him.

"John."

"Get away from me," John snarled, pushing Lucifer, who allowed himself to be pushed aside. He always made himself soft for John. John could punch him, had before, and Lucifer would take the hit. John didn't do that again, having expected punching Lucifer to be like punching a brick wall at that point.

"John, you have to let him go."

"What do you know? He's not your son."

Lucifer stood stunned for a minute. John glared at him and moved past again. Lucifer felt a terrible anger, anger so deep, anger he hadn't felt so badly in a long time. He appeared in front of John, slamming him into a wall somewhere. He'd flown them somewhere, he wasn't sure where in his anger.

"How dare-" Lucifer cut himself off. He was shaking with anger. "How dare you, Winchester! You're the one who ran all over the country. I'm the one who stayed with him. I'm the one who was there when Cassie broke his heart. I'm the one who healed him. I'm the one who raised him. You may have offered genetic material, but I raised that boy. How dare you? How could you even say that?"

Lucifer felt strong hands scrambling of purchase on his wrist and he realized he was choking John. Lucifer let him go instantly and backed off. He'd never hurt John, or Sam, or Dean, or any of their friends. He would have rather been hurt himself than hurt his family.

"Bring him back. If you're his father, then bring him back. You're an archangel, aren't you?"

"John, it doesn't work like that."

"What, like you're so good at following rules?" John's voice was laced with heavy sarcasm. Lucifer glared at him. He had to remind himself that John was grieving, that John would normally not use that against him.

"I can't John. It's not a case of I don't want to. I don't have that ability."

"Who does?" John demanded.

Lucifer hesitated. He knew, knew John was going to do something stupid. But he promised to never lie to them.

"God granted demons the ability to trade a life for a life. Angels of heaven can raise the dead, but only using power borrowed from God… and then there's Death. If he wasn't six million feet under, he could do it, not that he would."

"The angels."

"They won't John," Lucifer said quietly.

"Why not?" John demanded. "Is it because of you?"

"Possibly, though I doubt they know I'm out at all."

"Then why not?"

Lucifer hesitated again. "Your sons are vessels, you area vessel, Michael's vessel… John… it will be easier to make you say yes if they've saved you from hell."

John stopped. His raging anger quieted for a moment. "I wouldn't do that, Lucifer. You know I'd never betray you."

"You would for the boys," Lucifer said. And honestly, he was okay with that.

"I'd find another way," John said.

"John… please don't do this. Dean will go to heaven. It will be okay. Please, please. I'm begging you."

"I have to. I can't let someone else I love die," John said.

Lucifer' mouth went dry. He closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath. "Then I'll show you how to summon a cross road demon."

John nodded heavily. He reached out and drew Lucifer into a hug. He never said "I love you," but Lucifer always knew when he meant it.


	5. November 1, 1988

November 1, 1988

John was so ready to go back to his boys. He knew this hunt was going to be hard. He expected to be done by the end of week, but it turned out he'd finished up a lot faster. This time of year he was lucky just not to be snowed in up in the mountains. If he hurried he could probably get his things and get out before the snow really got thick. He'd even had to borrow one of Bobby's trucks for this job. No way the Impala could go up these mountains.

He was trudging back to the cabin when he heard a whimper. Maybe he should have ignored it, but he'd just finished killing all kinds of hell beasts, and John was not in the mood to have accidentally missed on. He raised his gun and walked to the bushes he'd heard the whine come from. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw what the bushes were hiding.

The man was about John's age, probably younger. He was naked, badly beaten, starved and burnt. He shivered badly from the cold. John looked around trying to figure out where the guy could have come from. He couldn't have been out too long. It was too cold for the guy to still be alive as exposed as he was if he'd been out for any significant amount of time.

John sighed heavily. "I hate humans," he muttered. "Hey, buddy?" he asked, but the man stayed resolutely unconscious. John sighed again. No choice then.

John carefully picked the man up. The cabin wasn't far, and John couldn't leave someone out in the woods so exposed. The man wasn't light, but he was far lighter than he should have been. He shivered and clung to John. He realized that he probably shoulder have put his coat around the guy before he picked him up. Too late to fix that now.

He headed toward the cabin again, having to take much more careful steps this time. It he tripped or slipped it wasn't just himself who'd be left hurting. The man started to whimper in his arms and curled up tighter.

"Hang on, man. We're almost there," John said, using the voice he used to soothe his boys. That seemed to work, but only for a minute.

The man suddenly let out a scream, more wild than any animal or monster John had ever heard. John had to grip the man very tightly as the man's muscled stretched taught and he practically bent backwards from the strain. John had to quickly shift his grip to keep from dropping the man. John really, really hoped that he'd actually gotten all of his hunt done, or they were about to be sitting ducks.

And the man suddenly stopped screaming. John waited, holding his breath. He shifted his grip again as the man went limp, drawing the man closer to him. The man groaned and opened his eyes. He seemed startled when he got a look at John.

"It's okay," John soothed. "It's okay. I'm not going to hurt you. You're safe now. Nothing can touch you while I'm here. I'm going to take you to my cabin and you get patched up. Okay?"

The man just stared at him and said nothing. He was still badly shivering and his wounds had opened and he was bleeding. This was not good.

"Okay?" John asked again.

The man slowly nodded, looking at John with confusion, distrust, and something very akin to reverence.

"Okay then," John said and started he journey to the cabin again. The man settled against his chest again. When John arrived at the cabin he found that the man had fallen asleep.


	6. September 2002

September 2002

In some ways Sam heading to college for the first time is a lot less complicated and a lot less dramatic than when Dean went. Of course Sam is going to Stanford while Dean's in his last year at KU. Lucifer also went with Sam. And Dean was nearly beside himself with worry and wanting to go with Sam to help him get moved in. And John was surly and unhappy.

But John stayed home the entire week before Sam was going to leave. And the family spent their time watching movies, going through albums, quizzing Sam on his life path, and basically being nostalgic. Sam and Lucifer spent time arguing about what Sam should take. While Lucifer could zap back and forth to give Sam things, Sam wanted to do things normal, like a human. Which was why Lucifer tried to get Sam to let him zap his luggage to Stanford (or fly the both of them there) and Sam wanted to pack only what would go one the plane and insisted on buying a ticket and being normal.

John was surly and unhappy, but whatever arguments he and Sam had during their final hunting trip seemed to have been enough. He forced smiles and helped Sam stuff things in his suitcase, and slipped protection charms into Sam's luggage. Lucifer was proud of him, especially after how John acted with Dean.

Dean's fear of flying was why only Lucifer went with Sam. Sam would be going a week before classes started for orientation. Dean could have driven out and back with Sam. But Lucifer suggested staying home with the family for the last week, and flying out the last day possible. That was what Sam wanted, and so that was what Sam got. Besides, Sam didn't want Dean to be exhausted for when he started back at KU.

Dean grumbles about it. He grumbles about school a lot, but even John can't deny that Dean is happier when he's talking about music theory than he is talking about girls or hunting. It doesn't mean that Dean won't go right back to hunting in two years (he needed and extra year to finish his degree, especially with the courses Dean had added in Latin, something to make John happy). But Lucifer's at least happier that Dean's doing something he wants to instead of just what John wants him to.

Lucifer couldn't help but tap his fingers in announce on the seat arm rest during the flight. It was so slow. Sam alternated between being annoyed and highly amused. He finally placed his hand on Lucifer's hand. "Dad, it's okay," he said quietly.

Lucifer looked like he'd been smacked. He barely dared himself to look at Sam, afraid that it was just a joke or a part of a cover. But the look on Lucifer's face made his stomach twist up. "Really?" he asked, his voice croaking.

"I do… just… don't tell Dean, or dad, okay? They'll-"

"Feel betrayed," Lucifer filled in.

"Yeah, and it's not like I don't love dad… but you were the one who was there… and well."

"You can have two dad's," Lucifer said quietly. Sam looked relieved and smiled. Lucifer gripped Sam's hand, squeezing very lightly.

Lucifer helped Sam move in to his dorm and hugged him goodbye. The pre-law track wasn't going to be easy, but Sam could do it. One thing Lucifer did not have to worry about with Sam was him doing what John wanted instead of what he wanted.


	7. December 2004

It all started with a call to Lucifer in November to tell them that he's not coming home for Thanksgiving. This isn't at all surprising to them by this point, because Sam has made it a point to not come home for Thanksgiving or Spring Break since he started school.

"So, is Adam coming this year for Christmas?" Sam asked.

Lucifer's end of the line gets quiet for only a second and Sam chooses to believe it's because Lucifer is thinking, though he knows that isn't at all true. "No, he'll be staying with his mother, though they will both be here for Thanksgiving."

Sam nearly winced. Oh yeah, he was glad he was not coming home. "So uh… does that mean the guest bedroom will be free?"

There was silence on the other line.

"On second thought, nevermind," Sam said. This was probably a ridiculously bad idea.

"Sam,who do you want to bring?"

"Um… my girlfriend."

That was what started the shit storm. It seemed that Sam hadn't told his family in all the time he was dating Jessica that he was dating her. Lucifer put him through the verbal wringer for this oversight and then asked so many questions about Jess that Sam suddenly felt like he didn't know her at all. Lucifer followed this up by asking Sam so many questions about what Jess liked that Sam had to find a legal pad and a make a list that spanned over ten sheets.

Thankfully Jess found that hilarious and dutifully filled out Lucifer's questionnaire and emailed it to him personally.

Dean called next and seemed torn between chewing Sam out for not telling him, and wanting to be proud that his baby brother found someone. He asked if Jess knew about Lucifer or hunting yet. Sam told him that he hadn't told, which Dean sagely said was for the best. Sam wanted to wring Cassie's neck for the hundredth time.

John called last. He called occasionally, and Sam called him occasionally. Their relationship was just awkward. But John congratulated Sam, and he didn't ask why Sam hadn't told them. Instead he told about when he met Mary, and how she hadn't let John tell anyone because if her family found out then she knew they'd never approve. John said he could understand feeling like he needed to wait. And he said that as long as Sam was good to Jessica, Jessica was good to Sam, and they were good for each other that he would support them.

Sam had never felt so touched by anything his father had ever said to him before.

The shitstorm had to be put on hold for finals. After that Sam was too busy packing up and loading Jess and himself onto a plane to Kansa to even think about how much hell could possibly be thrown Jess's way. In reality he was more nervous about Jess liking his family. Jess was from a traditional Southern Christian family. For certain her family (who he's spent Thanksgiving with) would flip their shit if the realized Sam had two dads. Jess was a lot more liberal. But John spent weeks on the road with Dean, and Lucifer had a flower garden the envy of every middle aged woman in Kansas. Since he wasn't telling her about the hunting thing, he didn't try to worry about what she would think to one of his dads being the Prince of Darkness.

Really, when Sam got off the plane the first thing he wanted to do was go home and pass out on his own bed. Instead they got picked up by Dean who looked Jess up and down and congratulated him on landing such a hot chick. Sam could have cheerfully murdered Dean at that moment.

Dean amused Jess on their ride home by correcting her Latin and making her crack up with Latin puns that she could actually understand. Sam hardly understood why Dean had taken Latin. Sam and Dean knew more Latin (and Enochian for that matter, thanks to Lucifer) than most humans had any business knowing. And when Dean cracked the joke about mating with the mouth of a goat Sam just lost it.

Of course trying to explain to Jess what was so funny was very complicated, made even more complicated that Jess actually knew what Enochian was. Though she thought it was just occultist bullshit (which most of it was, but again, Lucifer). Also, the joke was just funnier in Enochian.

"So, who taught you boys to speak hoodoo?" Jess asked, leaning against the back of Dean's seat.

"It's not hoodoo, it's the angel language," Dean said defensively.

"Luce taught us. He also taught us Latin… speaking of, Dean, has any of the Latin you took been useful?"

"The Greek's been more useful," Dean admitted. "I mean, not that I use much of any of it. Dad finally banned me from critiquing the radio using music theory. He said I take all the fun of it. There's no way to tell him it's actually awesome when you know exactly why as song is awesome."

Sam smiled a bit and relaxed, leaning back in his seat. Dean was still Dean.

"So, do you think your parents will like me?" Jess asked Dean.

"Parent," Dean corrected. "I mean, dad might. Luce has been a bit, well, eh," he shrugged. "Sammy's his baby, though. He's the woman in the relationship, afterall."

"Jesus, Dean!" Sam snapped. Lucifer would tie Dean's ears together if he heard Dean talk like that.

"Just relax children," Dean said with a wide grin as he pulled into the drive way.

There was something just wonderful about coming home. Lucifer had already switched to his winter plants, which he always arranged in interesting ways, even if it wasn't as colorful as the spring bulbs. Sam got out and he and Dean got the bags.

"Hello Mr. Winchester," Sam heard and looked up, seeing Jess walking to Lucifer, who was standing in the door way. Lucifer put on his most charming smile and Sam's stomach flipped over. Because they'd lived together for so long, sometimes it was easy to forget that Lucifer was the devil.

"Lucifer's fine," Lucifer said, taking her hand and raising it to his lips, kissing the back.

"Come on, Luce, don't be disgusting. She's like a billion times too young for you!" Dean shouted, slamming the trunk.

"Come on, Dena, he's charming," Jess said. "Thank you for inviting me into your home, Mr. Lucifer."

Sam didn't know whether to cover his face, laugh, or run to Jess's rescue. But She handled like a pro. She laughed and smiled. Sam grinned. Not even Lucifer could be immune to her sunny smile.

"My apologies. I'm from small town, Alabama. We always put Mr. or Ms. in front of the names of our seniors."

"No, it's fine," Lucifer said. "Although I imagine that's what Dean would have named the Cat if he'd had the idea."

"Come on, I'm much more witty than that," Dean said. "Now move. I've got heavy bags here and a car to pull into the garage."

Lucifer snorted but stepped aside. So did Jess. They let Dean take her bags to the guest room while Sam walked up to them.

"Let me dump these real quick." Sam went quickly upstairs. He couldn't have been gone long, but when he came back Lucifer had pulled out the photo album and Jess was cooing over his and Dean's baby pictures.

The whole break was like that, one thing to embarrass Sam after another. Dean pulled out every humiliating Sam story that he knew. John and Lucifer took their turns too. The way they told it Sam was too busy in High School tripping all over himself and breaking things to do anything besides study and breathe.

Lucifer admitted that he was glad that Sam had found a girl that he liked so much, since he'd shown so little interest in High School. Sam admitted that was mostly because the girls he went to school with who wanted to date him remembered him as Dean's Brother, or they thought he was their ticket out of Kansas.

Jess was sympathetic, and told about her life in Alabama and her family. She shared a story about her first roommate, Mandy, who had been a lesbian and who her family had been so passively aggressively nasty to during the Winter Break Jess brought her home that Jess had never brought home anyone again until Sam. Who her family miraculously took to like a duck to water. It helped that Sam knew how to shoot.

"You know how to shoot?" John asked then.

"My family's a hunting family."

"How good are you?"

"I'm gotten a few bucks in my time," Jess said proudly, and produced a picture of her next to one of the biggest bucks Sam had ever seen. Of course Dean had to walk off, feeling sick about killing Bambi. And then Jess admitted that she really preferred setting traps and hunting rabbits, and that she could field dress a rabbit with ease.

John took her out hunting to the shooting range the next morning. When they came home, John declared her highly proficient and told everyone that if Sam wanted to marry her, that he had John's blessing.

Sam wasn't certain how he was ever going to be able to propose to Jess if the time came after that.

Christmas itself was better, though Christmas Eve was hard. They didn't do the whole religion thing, though Jess asked about any candle light services in the area. Sam doubted Lucifer had ever even stepped foot in a church, and he sat far too still during the service. Sam grabbed his hand and squeezed to remind him to be human. They also got some seriously dirty looks from people though when anyone said anything Jessica verbally field stripped them and that was that.

For Christmas morning they always opened presents first, and then Lucifer made cinnamon rolls, or some variation thereof. Gifts were exchanged. Lucifer still, like always, looked surprised when someone bought him anything. Sam had translated the Constitution into Enochian, and Dean had written a very short piano piece for Lucifer.

After gifts Jess helped Lucifer make breakfast. Whatever tension he seemed to feel around her eased after that.

Sam realized that short of the amount of ammunition Jess not had against him because of his family's stories, Sam didn't think the break could have gone any better.


	8. July 23, 2006

The first person to approach Sam and Dean when they arrive from the grave site is Adam. He's only about two months off from being 16. He's only been in their lives for about four years. He'd been exceedingly quiet during the funeral, mostly leaning on his mom. Sam's certain Adam hasn't ever had someone close to his die before. Sam doesn't hesitate to pull Adam into a hug. When he lets Adam go Dean drags Adam into a very tight hug. Dean's distraught, more than any of them. Sam knows this is true. No one was closer to John Winchester than his eldest son.

The second person to approach Sam and Dean is Jessica. She'd been visiting for the summer when the accident happened. She was even at the hospital with them. She'd left them alone to help Bobby get the food out. People are milling about, people who knew John from around town, or hunters, or occasionally people he'd saved who heard.

Jess drags Sam into a hug and she hugs Adam and Dean and then leaves the two of them to lean on each other before dragging Sam away to his bedroom. "How are you doing?"

"Terrible," Sam said, sitting down on his bed. It groans when he flops down on it. Jessica kicks her hells off and tucks herself against Sam. "I don't think Lucifer's coming back."

"Why?" Jess asked. "He loves you so much, you and Dean. And even Adam on good days."

Sam smiles weakly. He's too wrung out for much else. Everyone knows about Lucifer's discomfort with Adam. Even thinking about Adam in that context makes Sam's chest hurt. He just can't escape it. He feels Jess's arms wrap around him and squeeze him. He can't help but with of when John took her shooting.

"I did mean to marry you, Jess," Sam said.

"We don't have to talk about that now," Jess said. The ring he gave her is on a chain around her neck. They weren't ready to tell, and now Sam doubts it can happen.

"I'm not going to law school, Jess."

"But it's what you wanted," Jess said, frowning.

"But I can't leave Dean alone. Jess, Dad's gone, Lucifer just up and vanished and I don't think he's coming back… Dean really is alone. He's going to hit the road, and in the state he's in, he's going to get himself killed."

"Sam," Jess said, her voice too careful.

"I'm sorry. I haven't been honest with you, not like I should."

"Well, I knew that. No way your dad's a traveling salesman."

Sam smiled weakly. "No, he wasn't. He was a hunter."

"Yeah, I know, we spent most of the summer talking about hunting traps," Jess pointed out.

"No… not game. Well, not just game. He hunts monsters."

"Monster?" Jess asked, sounding disbelieving.

"Dad met Kate on a hunt. He killed a ghoul who'd been terrorizing the city, and that was where he met Kate. She knows what he is, and Adam, and almost everyone downstairs."

"Yeah…" Jess said. Her voice sounded weak. "I mean, they didn't look like sales people either."

"Well, they aren't. They're hunters."

"What kind of monsters, Sam?"

"All kinds, you know, werewolves, vampires, demons, ghouls, ghosts, then some odder things like Rougarous, Djinn, sometimes witches. Sometimes things we've never heard of, but someone else has."

"Have you… hunted before?"

Sam looked over at Jessica. She was taking it surprisingly well. She looked like something suddenly made a lot more sense. "Since I was a kid. Lucifer knew Dad was going to teach us, and had already been teaching Dean."

"But Dean was eight when your dad met Lucifer."

"Exactly. You know our mom died. I told you it was an arson, but it wasn't. It was a Demon, a yellow-eyed demon named Azazel." Sam looked at Jess to be certain she was still following him. "When mom died she was… on the ceiling, bleeding out, and then the ceiling caught fire… and after that Dad decided to hunt Azazel down."

"Did your dad find him?"

"Yeah."

"Did he kill Azazel?"

"No, Lucifer did it."

"Is Lucifer a hunter too?"

"No," Sam said. He knew he left no room for question on that front.

"So what is he?"

"An angel," Sam said.

"An angel," Jess said. She looked very disconcerted. "Is there more than one?" she asked in a very tiny voice.

"No," Sam said with the same finality. "There's only one, and he's my dad… and he didn't save my Dad, and then he ran away and I don't know why." Sam's voice broke and he bent over. He face was almost on his knees. He felt beaten. He didn't understand what was going on. He'd never had a mom. Dad was dead and gone. Lucifer was just gone. "I prayed, Jess. He always came when I prayed, even when I was little and dad first found out who he was and he threw him out. Lucifer always came. But he disappeared at the cemetery and I prayed but he didn't come back. Why won't he come back?"

He felt so horribly alone. Dad was ash. Lucifer was God only knew where. Dean was just angry. Adam didn't know. And Jess was going to walk out the door like Cassie had. Sam let out a sob. He didn't bother to hide it. He was too distraught. Jess was going to leave anyway. He felt her get off the bed. He shut his eyes so he didn't have to see her go.

Instead he felt her small hands rest on his knees. He jerked his head up too fast and felt a startling pain in the back of his head. When he saw the stars clear from his vision Jess was on the floor holding her forehead.

"Damn, Sam, you are a wrecking ball," Jess said.

"Sorry," Sam said quietly. "Are you okay?"

"Nothing I can't live with," Jess said. She was still tentatively rubbing the spot on her forehead. She looked up at Sam, though. "Listen, Sam. There are a lot of things I can live without, but you aren't one of them. I didn't get into the nursing program I wanted and I was thinking of taking a year off anyway. If Dean's anywhere near as stubborn as you are, you're both going to get very hurt."

"What?"

"Sam, I spent hundreds of hours volunteering at the clinic. I want to help people. I already believe in angels and demons… and if you think about it, the rest of it isn't that much of a stretch."

"I still don't understand."

"I'm going with you, idiot."

"You're going with us?"

"Sam ,you're being very dense. Hunting. I'm going with you. I'm already a good shot. I know traps. I've been taking Latin, and Lucifer was teaching me Enochian. And I'm trained to be a nurse. You two need me."

"You want to come with us?"

"Did I just say that?"

"So… you're not leaving."

Jess's face softened. She went back on her knees and laid he hands on Sam's knees.

"No, baby. I'm afraid you're stuck with me from now until the end of time. We're engaged, remember."

"Yeah… about that… Jess, hunting is dangerous. I don't want us to get married or something and in a year you can't take it and leave."

"Then we'll wait for a year. Sam, we're only 22. We've got all the time in the world to get married."

Sam nodded. "Okay, yeah, okay." His smile was a little bit bigger than it had been before.


	9. September 29, 2002

John got the phone call at a gas station in Kansas. He was heading home for a week. After the phone call he instantly got back on the road and headed to Wisconsin.

"Hello?" The young boy's voice on the phone asked. John felt a lot of fear. That was the number he gave to people he'd saved who might need help again. Hearing a child's voice, only a few years younger than his own boys', was terrifying.

"Yeah." John said, gruffly.

"John Winchester."

"Yes, who is this?"

"I'm Adam… Adam Milligan, Kate's son."

"Kate," John Said. He wouldn't forget her, ever. Lucifer's painful hugs like he was afraid John would never come back made it so John could never forget her. "Yeah, I know her. What can I do for you, kid?"

"I'm your son."

The silence that followed was too heavy for John to bear for long. If asked later, John wouldn't even remember breathing.

"How old are you?" John asked.

"I just turned twelve. I kept asking mom to tell me who my father was. It's all I asked for. Please."

John couldn't have said no, because he knew that kind of desperation that went behind that 'please'. John knew it from when Dean had just started talking again and he'd begged John to stay, but John had gone any because he had high notions of saving people and a pain he wanted to quench with revenge. John knew it from when he was a little boy and his father hadn't been there in the morning like he said he'd be, and John had lived by himself for over a week, and he prayed to God to bring his dad back and he prayed so hard the day he was taken away, and he prayed for years until he stopped praying because he figured out God didn't give a shit. He couldn't make this boy beg too, only for him to also be rebuked.

He could have said no, hung up, and gone back to his life. But there would still be that 'please', and a question from a horrible choice that had been haunting John for years.

"I'm in Kansas. It'll take me a few days, but I hope you'll accept me as a belated birthday present."

"Thank you," Adam said.

"Just tell me your address and I'll get on the road.


	10. May 2001

Dean graduated Magna Cum Laude in Audio Engineering from Kansas City Kansas Community College in May 2001. No one was more surprised than Dean when this turns out to be true. He got As in almost all of his classes, but he still didn't expect it to happen. Lucifer was beside himself when he found out, at the graduation, since Dean didn't tell anyone in his family.

Honestly, Dean wasn't certain if he didn't want to tell anyone because he thought maybe the school would take it back, or because his dad was coming to the graduation and he didn't want him to realize how much of a nerd Dean actually was.

So he did not tell his family, and they crowded into their seats for the overly long graduation process, Dean wasn't really sure why the graduation was going to be so long, because they were just getting their associates (okay, Dean was damn proud of himself, but being practically tied to a chair for hours in the sun was not his idea of way to celebrate).

When it was Dean's time to walk across the stage they were surprised to find that Dean had made Manga Cum Laude, and that the dean who read the list also mentioned that Dean Winchester had been accepted to Kansas State University. Dean's face went very red, part with happiness (because it turned out to be real) and part mortified because he hadn't told his family already and at the very least it was rude, if not looking like he was bragging. He didn't want to see Dad's face at all. Dad was going to be so mad.

Dean returned to his seat and hung his head for the rest of the ceremony, It was as boring as he thought it would be, but he didn't remember it at all because he was too busy being afraid. The end came far too fast for his liking.

Sam found him first. Sam (who had gotten way too big, in Dean's opinion) grabbed Dean around the middle and practically picked him up with a hug. "Congratulations! Dean I had no idea you'd done so well, man, that's great! Why didn't you tell us?"

Lucifer comes next, also dragging Dean into a hug. Dean remembered Sam and Lucifer being about as happy at the high school graduation. Lucifer's hug is way more bone breaking than Sam's and Dean has to tell Lucifer he can't breath before Lucifer puts him down, looking embarrassed. Dean felt a little bad, because Lucifer's so careful not to hurt them, but that day he was so happy, of course Lucifer would forget a little. Dean patted Lucifer on the arm in a very guy way, which makes the angel smile.

"I wish you'd told us Dean. We're all so proud of you."

Dean looked around, but didn't see the one person he most wanted to see and most dreaded to see. "Where's dad?" he asked in a voice a lot smaller than what he'd ever say in front of John.

"Lost in the crowd. He'll be here in a minute. He doesn't have angel powers or a Sam-antenna to track you down like we do," Lucifer said.

But just like that John Winchester appeared through the crowd. Dean can only pull on an apprehensive smile when he sees him.

"Hi, Dad," Dean managed.

John looked like he was on a mission and Dean wondered if he's going to get yelled at. John's hands find his shoulders and drag Dean full into a hug.

"You did good, Dean." It's all he said. But it means more to Dean then anything Sam or Lucifer could have said, especially given how things went at his High School graduation. Dean leans into the hug for a minute before John pushes him back and holds him by the shoulders, getting a good look at him.

"Come on, you two," Lucifer said, wrapping his arm around Dean's shoulders. Dean had already gotten a certain amount of hell for having two dads. But Dean was pretty certain that Lucifer would smite anyone who said anything bad about their family that day, so Dean just grinned.

"Got anyone you want to say bye to?" Sam asked.

"Eh, not that much," Dean said. "But I do want to get out of here. Dorm living is no way to live."

"Lucifer made pies," Sam said.

Dean grinned. "Then we really need to get out of here, don't we?"


	11. November 2, 1988

The man slept curled up under every blanket and John's coat, but he couldn't see to get warm. John applied burn salve and cleaned wounds and bandaged the man up. He kept the fire high, but the man shivered continuously. He couldn't get warm. At first John had thought it was a fever, but the man was as cold as ice. That was particularly worrying, since John had gotten the room hot enough that John had pulled off practically all his clothes and was sweating badly. He piled everything on top of the stranger, who just kept shivering.

John tried to spread out on the sofa, but he couldn't sleep for the heat and how loud the stranger's teeth chattered. John rubbed his hands on his face. He knew that body head might help get the man warmer. But John was uncomfortably warm just sitting there in his underwear, and he had no real need of pressing himself up to a naked man.

But he also killed horrible things all the time. To help people. If he wasn't going to help this man, then it was like all the words he said about why he did what he did would just be false.

John sighed heavily and walked over to the bed. He had to disturb the stranger's nest, which made him whimper like he was in pain. But when John settled in next to him the strange wrapped himself around John as the heat source. John started shivering immediately. Damn, the stranger was cold like the outside. John wanted to push the man away and go back to warm himself by the fire. But the stranger settled a little and his teeth stopped chattering.

John did not sleep well that night. He would slip off and dream about being back in Vietnam. And when he wasn't doing that his brain began to recite the 34th Canto of Dante's Inferno (Something John had begun to read with alarming frequency since he became a hunter). The overwhelming heat of the room, and the overwhelming cold of the nest made John's head spin. He was too tired to stay awake, too uncomfortable to sleep.

'This is hell,' John thought before the last time he slipped off.

When he woke up again he was staring into a pair of very blue eyes. John felt unbearably hot and pushed the cover off him, toward the other man. John's memories started to come back about the time the stranger kicked the blankets and clothes over John and onto the floor. The room was cold, which meant that the fire had died down during the evening. John started cursing under his breath as he got up. He cursed even more when he stepped off the blankets and onto the cold ground.

John got the fire going, glad to see at least some embers still alive, which helped to get things started again. He began to mentally calculate how much wood he was going to need to get. He pulled back the thick curtains, wincing at the bright like that streamed through when he did. He was incredibly relieved to see that they weren't snowed in. In fact the snow was very light. John could go get wood later.

He went back to the nest and found his socks first, pulling them on before grabbing for his pants. He had his pants on before his attention was pulled back to the stranger. The stranger sat with his knees pulled up to his chest, under only a thin, ratty sheet. His arms lay loosely on his knees and his had one hand clasped around his wrists. He was watching John with curious and distrustful attention.

"Should I worry about my virtue?" the man asked when he finally saw that he had John's attention.

"Trust me, you are not my cup of tea, sunshine," John said gruffly. He pulled his shirt on, shivering ad bit as it had absorbed the cold of the floor.

"Is that why you were pressed so close to me? Or the reason for my particularly start of dress?" That was definitely an accusation.

"Because you were hypothermic and I'd already done everything else I could to warm you up. And you can't blame your state of dress on me. You were like that when I found you last night. You were laid up on some bushes. Looks like someone didn't like you."

John went and got the med kit again, bringing it back. He'd anticipated that he might get hurt and be stuck for a few more days, which was why he'd brought extra food and supplies. Of course he'd brought enough for one, which meant he's be hunting animals soon, if they weren't all already hibernating for the winter.

"How do you feel?" John asked.

"Confused," the man said, eyeing John warily.

"Do you remember anything from last night?" John asked.

"I…" the stranger trailed off. He looked down at his hands, just a shift of the eyes and no movement other than that. "No really… I think, I mean I was asleep or passed out, I think. But I remember, did you carry me?"

"Yeah," John said. "I picked you up and you started screaming bloody murder."

"I don't remember that," the man said, touching his hand to his forehead. He couldn't have been much younger than John, but John thought he looked very innocent and lost. Forget the bags under his eyes and the wrinkles forming on his face.

"What do you remember?"

"Not a lot," the man remembered.

"Great, brilliant," John muttered.

"Hey! I'm not happy with it either!" the stranger snapped.

"You at least got a name."

The stranger hesitated for a minute, a really long minute. "It's Nick," he finally said.

"I'm John, Winchester. I will be your caretaker until I can get us back to civilization."

"When will that be?" Nick asked. John didn't know, but Nick seemed more afraid of leaving than of staying with John, and John could understand being afraid of him a lot easier.

"Not sure. I can't move you yet, though, not with your injuries. The trip's too long. Look, let me see how you healed up last night and then I can give you an estimate, okay?"

Nick hesitated again, but then he nodded. "Okay."


	12. January 1990

John does not like hospitals. He'd rather stitch himself up and risk and infection than to risk and infection in a hospital. The only time he ends up in a hospital is when he's hurt enough that he can't but go. This time the gashes are just too deep.

This time Joe Barton drove him to the ER. He's bleeding out. Hunting accident, he told them. They put him in a room and stitch him up. He passed out from blood loss. When he wakes up its morning already. Freaking ghouls.

John closed his eyes again. He knew he's going to be laid up for a day or two. Lucifer and the boys were going to wonder where he is if he doesn't call. He felt a very angry twist in his gut. It just hits him sometimes. This time it hit him on December 5th, Mary's birthday. John never lets Lucifer near him on Mary's birthday. In fact he's normally not in town. John didn't used to come home for Mary's death day either, but Lucifer convinced him that the boys needed him, and Lucifer stays away.

But John was home on the 5th. Almost every other day of the year John is fine with their… whatever it is. He's over sleeping with a male shaped non-human being. That he can deal with. He's had feelings for men before Mary, and caring about anyone after Mary is more troubling than anything else. But sometimes it just gets all over him.

Lucifer killed Mary. Not him personally. The bastard who actually did it is dead. Lucifer ripped him apart right in front of John's eyes. Of course Lucifer's comments about how much of a shame it was to lose such a good servant still pissed John off all these years later, even if Lucifer hadn't expressed any similar sentiment since.

John stayed for Christmas and New Years, but he shouldn't have been home for the 5th. John didn't like that Lucifer made cupcakes with Sam and Dean for Mary's birthday, like there was any reason for Lucifer to celebrate or care.

John had only spoken to Lucifer when necessary since then.

John opened his eyes when he heard the door creak open.

"Good morning Mr. Winchester," the nurse said. She was pretty, blonde, like Mary. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I'm in the hospital," John said.

"Well, you are observant, aren't you?" the nurse asked with a smirk. John decided her liked her. Mary had that type of sass and backbone. Ellen did too, and with any hope her little girl would as well. He liked a girl with a lot of fight, because it was so worth it when they let you protect them.

"When do I get out of here?" John asked.

"Well, I'll know once I've checked, won't I? It's time to changed you bandages," she said. She had firm hands. She was a professional. It still hurt, but the nurse, Kate Milligan, told John stories and anecdotes to keep his mind occupied during the tedious process of changing bandages.

"Your wounds seem to be healing faster than we anticipated. Looks like you've got angels on yoru side, Mr. Winchester."

"Or Lucifer," John muttered. Kate laughed, and John's mouth pulled into a dark smile.

"Well, you'll probably be out tomorrow."

"Then maybe you'll have dinner with me."

Kate smirked. She looked around and then sat back on the bed. "Only if you tell me the truth."

"About what?" John asked, smirking. He leaned in closer and lowered his voice like Kate had.

"Those wounds you got. This isn't a place for bear attacks, and those aren't bear swipes. Joe Barton's been really odd since you showed up too."

"Have you been watching me?" John asked, raising his eyebrows.

"It's a small town, John. So tell me."

John shrugged and got the feeling of his stitches pulling uncomfortably for the trouble. "Ghouls."

"Like, things that go bump in the night?" Kate asked, looking half convinced already.

"You believe me," John said, surprised despite himself.

"My uh… uncle used to tell me that monsters were real. He said he hunted them…. until"

"Until?"

"Some animal got to him," Kate said.

"What was his name?"

"Ralph Johns"

"Oh yeah," John said. Ralph had died early in John's career as a hunter. Bobby had been very upset, and John had met the man once or twice. "Werewolf."

Kate closed her eyes and John felt the sudden need to apologize, but Kate placed her hand on John's arm and that silenced him. She opened her eyes and they were wet with unshed tears. "I had that idea,' she admitted in a whisper. "So… dinner?"

John smiled his most charming smile. "Tuesday."

"Deal," Kate said and left.

John smirked and leaned back against the pillows. He closed his eyes, planning to sleep some more. He had nothing better to do anyway and Lucifer would fuss at him if he didn't. The idea of Lucifer made him open his eyes. Then he closed them again. They weren't married. They weren't dating. Lucifer was a big boy, if he got hurt feelings, so be it. It wasn't like John hadn't been with other women since then. Of course he refused to address the fact that they had been between the time he found out Nick was Lucifer, and when John let Lucifer back in.


	13. May 1998

May 1998

Dean's graduating from High School. Dean's happier than he thought he would be. The cap and gown are dorky and Dean hated his classes but the mad dash to the end to get grades good enough for KCKCC to still accept him made it all seem sweeter. It made that night all the sweeter. He made it out. He did it. Even Dad didn't finish high school.

The ceremony is too big for the gym, so they turned on the flood lights at the football field and the students sat on the field. Everyone walked. Dean is near the end because he wasn't an honors student and his last name started with a "W". Dean's bored but excited. When he gets his diploma and shakes the principal's hand and smiles for the camcorder Dean knows Lucifer brought, he's never felt so proud of himself.

He's dragged into hugs from girls and boys who he'd fooled around with. They all seemed to try to steal last minute kisses and hugs. A few of the guys from the auto-shop classes slap Dean on the back like they're proud of him. Dean had been headed for a vocational degree, but Lucifer talked him out of it. Still, Dean took all of the auto-shop classes. The guys all teased him about being a scholar.

Sam practically strangles Dean when he gets to him. Dean doesn't complain and hugs Sam tight. Sam still has three more years, but he's as happy as if he was graduating.

Lucifer grabs up them both and lifts them both off their feet and Dean laughs. He sees his dad hanging back and Dean grins and wiggles out of Lucifer's grip to go to Dad.

"Dad!" Dean gasps, his face bright with a smile.

"Congratulations Dean, you've proved you're as good of a trained monkey as any other kid."

The worst part is that Dad is stone cold sober.

Dean looks stunned and all that happiness is replaced with shame. His cheeks burn and he looks away from his father. He should have dropped out when he planned to. He never should have let Lucifer talk him in to stay. He should have gone with his dad to hunt, to save people. How many people died because he'd stayed behind to get a degree he didn't need?

"Dean?" Sam asks.

Dean knows Sam hasn't heard what Dad said. Dean plasters on a smile and turns to face his brother. Sam just looks confused. Lucifer looks livid. Of course he heard.

"Eh, let's get out of here. I'm so done with this place. Huge waste of time," Dean said. His smile is cocky and sure and no longer reaches his eyes.


	14. November 1, 2002

November 1, 2002

Adam asked John to meet him at a diner called "Cousin Oliver's" at 4 pm. At 3:50, John is sitting in his 1986 GMC Sierra Grande. He doesn't have time for a long conversation, but John doesn't want the first thing Adam sees his father doing is calling his boyfriend. People are more accepting, Will & Grace and all that, but they're not that accepting.

"You're not coming home," Lucifer said over the phone the second he picked up. John had to wince. He should have called Lucifer earlier, but he just hadn't wanted to. It was too hard. He'd done so well the previous year, and he'd even gotten a gift for Lucifer this year too. He'd been so close to home when Adam called. Lucifer had probably felt him drive away too.

"No, I'm not," John said.

"Well, that's that, then," Lucifer said. He'd just swallow it. John wanted to punch God in the face as much as John wanted to punch himself at that moment.

"I'm sorry," John said. He cradled his cell phone against his ear. "I mean it, I am. I'm sorry for not calling sooner, but something came up."

"Another hunt?" Lucifer asked.

"No, Lucifer, Christ I wouldn't miss this if it was just a hunt."

"Something more important?" Lucifer asked.

"Deathly," John said, watching a kid walk into the diner. John's heart clinched and his stomach rolled. Was that Adam?

"It couldn't have waited?" Lucifer was clearly trying to not sound hurt.

"No. If it could have I'd have been home on the 29th," John said. He watched the diner's door closely and sighed heavily. He leaned back in his seat. "Lucifer, I really fucked up this time. I don't even know what I'm going to do."

There was silence on the line for a moment. "Is this where you tell me that you're a horrible lover and father and it's better for us all if you never come back?" Lucifer asked.

"Christ! Lucifer, no! Is that what you think of me?" John sat up right in his seat.

John can practically hear Lucifer's shrug. "It would fit your personality. I'm surprised you haven't tried to guilt trip yourself out of coming home before."

"No, Lucifer, it's not that at all. I'll be home in a week, I promise."

"Winchester, are you going to actually tell me what's wrong?"

John sighed and leaned over the steering wheel. "Lucifer, it's not something to talk about over the phone. I really, really fucked up this time."

"That bad?" Lucifer asked.

"I think so," John said. There was silence for a long while. Seconds ticked by and John knew he was late now.

"But you will tell me?"

"When I get home. I'll tell you everything. I owe you Lucifer, for missing today. I owe you big time," John admitted. "Look, I can send your gift ahead. It might even make it before I get home, though I rather hope not."

"Me neither. Don't sent it," Lucifer said. "I miss you."

"I miss you too," John said, almost stunned by the amount of emotion in his voice. Lucifer chuckled over the line, deep and dark in a way that made John shiver and wish very much he was home.

"I own your ass when you get home, Winchester."

John smirked. "Of course dear."

"Hurry back," Lucifer said.

"Bye."

"Bye."

John hung up, pressing his phone to his forehead. He had to take a moment. It really took everything in him not to call back and ask Lucifer to fly down. But John needed to talk to Lucifer before Lucifer could meet Adam. And John needed to meet Adam before he could talk to Lucifer.

John got out of his car and headed into the diner. It was ten minutes past four when he walked in. The kid he saw walk in earlier whipped up his head instantly. He looked apprehensive and longing. John walked over, trying not to seem terrifying.

"Are you Adam?" he asked.

"Are you John Winchester?" the kid asked.

John slipped into the booth. "Yeah, that's me."

"I thought you weren't coming," Adam admitted.

"Nah, just a bit late."

"Did you find this place okay?" Adam asked, curious and nervous. John hated that he didn't know what to do. The kid was smaller than Dean had been at that age, not that it meant anything, since Sam had also been smaller and he was closer and closer to being a giant every day. But Adam had brown hair, blond from youth and probably sun. His eyes were wide and blue. He looked like Kate, and he did look like John.

"Yeah, I just had to make a phone call."

"Important?" Adam asked.

"Yeah," John said, but didn't elaborate. He watched Adam sip his coke, looking between it and John apprehensively.

"Thank you for coming," Adam finally said. It seemed like he'd decided polite was best.

"I'd have come sooner if I'd known you were here," John said. He leaned in a bit. "Listen… Adam… I'm sorry."

"No," Adam said, his face lighting up with a smile. "You're here now, and you didn't know either."

"You know I can't stay forever, right?" John asked. He watched Adam's face fall.

"Yeah, I figured," Adam said. He went back to sipping his drink like he didn't know what else to do.

"Not that I won't come back," John said. Adam looked so damn hopeful that John couldn't help but hate himself. "You're my son. I'm not just going to abandon you now that I know you're here."

"Really?" Adam asked.

"Yeah, really." John stopped, trying to figure out what to say. "I have two other sons, older than you, Dean's at Kansas University, and Sammy just started at Stanford."

"Oh," Adam said. His eyes got wide. John wasn't certain it was a good idea to heap on the pressure to do well the same moment he told the kid that he had brothers.

"Yeah. Look, I'd like to have you down to visit sometime, to meet them, and Luce," he said. He'd go with the nickname for now. He wasn't certain he wanted his son to know his father was a fag that soon.

"You mean it?" Adam asked.

"You're family," John said. "And family is everything."

"Okay," Adam said, looking like he'd just won the lottery. "When do I meet them?"

"After I leave here. I have to go home and talk to Luce, and I have to make up for missing our anniversary."

"Oh, are you married?" Adam asked.

"No, but we've been together for a while," John said. Adam just nodded and accepted it. He finished his drink and just played with his straw with his mouth.

"Will Luce… will she like me?" Adam asked.

"No clue," John said. "Luce is very particular. Might not like you at first, but Luce will warm up to you eventually."

"How can you be certain?"

"Because you're my son," John said with a proud smile. Adam smiled, hesitant and hopeful, but happy too.

There was going to be so much hell to pay. But John was damn glad he'd missed this anniversary. This was more important. Lucifer would understand eventually.


	15. April 1990

April 1990

John told Lucifer about Kate Milligan in April. He snapped it out in the middle of a fight. John had broken his foot and was laid up at home and he was losing his mind from boredom. Whatever Lucifer said to set John off didn't really matter. He was just angry. He felt suffocated. He'd barely slept the night before because Lucifer needed to sleep and that cold hell he created when he slept made John feel like he had to escape, had to be anyone else. But he was laid up and weak and vulnerable. Lucifer was keeping him, him and his boys safe, and John hated it.

"It's not like you're replaceable," John snapped. His words cut Lucifer deep, but not deep enough because he was still standing there. "It's easy enough to find a woman, someone who could actually be a motherto Sam and Dean. Hell, not like there aren't women throwing themselves at me, like that piece up in Wisconsin."

"Wisconsin?" Lucifer whispered, though John could still hear it. Lucifer's voice always carried.

"In January, knew about hunting and everything, a nurse not someone who would kill another person. That's the type of person the boys need."

"John," Lucifer said in warning. Lucifer always did that, tried to stop John before e could say anything to hurt too much, because John always felt guilty when it was over, whether or not it hurt Lucifer, but John was very, very good at hurting Lucifer. And yet John kept pursuing it, he felt driven, trying to push Lucifer away. John felt like he was actively suffocating and he had to get everything and everyone away.

"Better fuck than you as well."

Lucifer reeled back a bit. And that surprised John. That was what hurt Lucifer, betrayal. And suddenly John didn't want to hurt Lucifer. He wanted to take it all back.

"I'm sorry," he said. He grabbed his crutches to push himself up, but there was an invisible force holding him down to the sofa.

"You have to rest," Lucifer said.

"No, don't go!" John shouted, afraid Lucifer would poof off again and that maybe this time he wouldn't back and John wouldn't even be able to follow him.

Lucifer hesitated. "I should go. I'm very angry."

"Then take it out on me, I deserve it."

"You do," Lucifer said, walking to the sofa. He sat between John's broken leg propped up a pillow and the one he'd put on the floor when he'd been trying to get up. John didn't touch him, because while he was sorry, he wasn't stupid. "But I don't want you to go away."

"I'm not going to," John said.

"You used to fight with your wife a lot?" Lucifer asked. John winced. Lucifer often asked questions of John about Mary when John felt too guilty not to answer.

"A lot… all the time."

"And you moved out once?"

"And I came back," John pointed out.

Lucifer looked at him and his eyes looked dead. John had really fucked up this time. "Yes, but did you sleep with other women when you were away from her?"

"No," John said.

"I don't sleep with other humans," Lucifer said. His voice sounded dead.

"You hate all other humans," John pointed out.

"Exactly," Lucifer said, pinning John down with his gaze. Lucifer was so much light and power and John forgot sometimes because Lucifer opened up to him. He crawled into John's arms and kissed him like that meant more to him than anything in the world, and John was just too stupid to get it.

"Oh," John said, suddenly bowled over by the love Lucifer had to offer, and realizing just how much he'd screwed up.

"Yes," Lucifer said and moved to get up. John grabbed his arm. Lucifer flicked his gaze over. It wasn't like Lucifer wouldn't get away if he wanted to, but he at least normally acted human around John to make their relationship seem equal. John wondered how much concentration and energy that took. Even now Lucifer catered to him.

"I'm such a bastard," John said and he felt it right to his soul.

"I'm not disagreeing with you," Lucifer said.

"Never again, Lucifer. I owe you that much."

Lucifer wrenched his arm away. "I don't want you to owe me anything. I don't do this to make you owe me."

"No, but I owed that to Mary too, Lucifer. I owe you no less than I owe her."

John had the irrational urge to shoot himself when he saw Lucifer's completely disbelieving look. How much did he think he deserved? Or did he just think John didn't care about him? Or that he couldn't care about him that much?

"She's your wife."

"You're my husband… just about," John said. He scratched the back on his head, a move that Lucifer always liked. He saw Lucifer's gaze following the movement. "I'm an idiot because I didn't see it before."

"Really?" Lucifer asked. "I know who I am, I'm not her."

"Never wanted you to be," John said.

"I killed her," Lucifer said.

"And I still can't forgive you for that." Lucifer looked so confused when John said that. He tilted his head to the side just a bit. John loved it when Lucifer did that because he looked like a child or a puppy, and he was so touchable in those confused moments. "Humans are made to be flexible. We can hate and love in equal measure about the same person. But I don't hate you as much as I…" he hesitated because he hadn't said it before and this whole feeling thing was way more than John was used to, even with Mary. But Lucifer would never get it if he didn't say it. And Lucifer was bleeding from a wound John had caused with his actions and words.

"I love you, Lucifer."

Lucifer closed his eyes. He breathed through his nose. Not that he needed to, but Lucifer had become very good at pretending to be human. When he was affected by something he would react like a human, like it was becoming his nature.

"Do you not believe me?" John asked. His hands rested on Lucifer's thighs. Lucifer opened his eyes, the ice blue gaze meeting John's brown.

"It's just very different from what I'm used to."

"Do you feel differently about me?" John asked.

"I… no, I don't," Lucifer said. He leaned against John, resting his forehead against John's. He closed his eyes and John kissed the end of Lucifer's nose.

"You're worth much more than a weak willed, broken man like me can give you, but I'll give you all I can. Will it be enough?"

Lucifer opened his eyes again. "It'll be more than I've ever gotten."

John dragged Lucifer into a tight hug, surprising a squawk out of Lucifer, who quickly settled his ear against John's chest. Lucifer did that a lot, listened to John's heart beat like it was magic. They didn't say anything else. John didn't have the words. There were no words in any human language that could describe what John felt or could make up for Lucifer's hurt. And John had made it worse. The word "guilt" didn't cover the monster in John's chest.


	16. March 2006

John felt pain shoot right up into his skull from fingers that dug too hard into his hips. Lucifer could be rough but he was never this rough. John kept his voice down. He thought to not wake the boys, though they were both out of the house.

"Take it easy there," John growled, knowing it sounded more sensual than angry.

"No, I don't think I will," Lucifer breathed into his skin before biting. John howled, feeling like his flesh was tearing.

"What the hell?" he rasped, trying to pull away. Lucifer's grip was too tight. John looked down, seeing blood dripping from Lucifer's lips.

"I'm bored, John. So deathly bored. I've waited, and waited for Sammy to get old enough. I had to keep you entertained. So boring," he said. John felt his blood running cold. Lucifer bent down, placing soft and familiar kisses along nearly forming bruises. John, despite his pain, felt himself starting to relax. Suddenly Lucifer's nails turned to claws, flaying the skin on John's hips. John howled again, the sound coming mostly from surprised.

"Stop, Lucifer, stop," John begged. It hurt more to see it was Lucifer than to feel the actual pain.

"No, John. I'm done. Sammy's old enough now. He's perfect to be my vessel."

"You said you wouldn't."

"I lied."

"You don't lie," John hissed.

"Who said?"

"You!"

Lucifer laughed. "And you believed anything the lord of lies said? How stupid you are, Winchester. Hardly matters now. Sammy will say anything to get you back safe and sound."

"No," John whimpered. He'd failed. He'd failed so badly. He'd let the monster into his house, into his bed. He'd never have believed that Lucifer could do this. Now John was tied down and useless and Sam and Dean were going to pay for it.

"Don't, please, don't," John begged.

"No," Lucifer purred. "But I will make our last time unforgettable." Lucifer moved down John's body and John screamed.

* * *

John jolted awake gasping. He reached up and wiped away the hot tears from his eyes. He couldn't stop them though. He jumped when he felt something cold shift against him. John realized it was Lucifer, and that the darkness that surrounded them was Lucifer's blanket nest. Even all these years later, Lucifer still produced painful cold when he slept, and John tried hard to keep him warm.

John put his hands on Lucifer's face, trying to be gentle. He didn't want Lucifer to wake up, but he needed him to wake up. He didn't feel like it would be okay until Lucifer wrapped around him and told him his dreams weren't true. But guilt kept John from doing more than grounding himself with the feeling of brushing his thumb over the constant stubble on Lucifer's cheek.

Lucifer didn't sleep easily. Now that the boys were out of the house more often, John tried to come home and get Lucifer to sleep. Lucifer slept so badly when John was there, John couldn't imagine how Lucifer slept at all when he was away. He wouldn't wake him from his deep sleep.

John didn't close his eyes, though. He rested his other hand on Lucifer's chest, feeling his breath. He kept one hand on Lucifer's face, had to feel something familiar. The dream was still in his mind, and it made him feel guilty because he knew that Lucifer loved him. He knew Lucifer loved Sam and Dean. But he couldn't help the fear he felt that he had been wrong and that Lucifer would destroy them someday.


	17. January 1, 2006

Lucifer gasps, twisting his hands in the sheets. He never will get over the sensations that come with a human body. John presses his lips to the base of Lucifer's spine, right on the tail bone. His finger grip and dig into Lucifer's hips. He does this because Lucifer likes it. It makes him unravel when John runs his tongue over the same spot he's just kissed. The brush of the hair from John's beard tickles sensitive skin and sends shivers down Lucifer's spine.

John will laugh at him later for 'coming completely unspooled'. Lucifer doesn't care, because he knows that John likes it when he falls apart. And Lucifer can hardly understand that. He can hardly understand his own attraction to the man sometimes. He's rude and mean and says and does the exact wrong thing so often, especially when it comes to his family. But John's also the man who accepted him into his home and his life, even knowing what Lucifer was. He's the man who started to schedule his times home for when he knew Lucifer needed to sleep. He's the man who always finds Lucifer a perfect gift every year for Christmas, and their anniversary, and the day they picked for Lucifer's birthday. And John loves his sons, even when he fails them, Lucifer never doubts the man's love.

He's so terribly flawed, though. He'd so human and physical and there has never nor will there ever be anything divine about him. But maybe that's why Lucifer likes him so much. Nothing divine will ever accept Lucifer again, or if they do they'll try to act like nothing ever happened. John knows Lucifer, knows who he is and what he's done. John knows him as well as a mortal can. And still he presses his lips to the base of Lucifer's spine and kisses his because John knows it unspools Lucifer, and John likes watching Lucifer fall to pieces under his tongue.

Lucifer turns around, reaching out and grasping the back of John's head. He tangles his fingers in the thick black locks and drags John up into a kiss. But the kiss isn't enough for Lucifer to show what he wants to. It's too sensual and sexual. So Lucifer nuzzles his nose against John's cheek, hoping against hope that it will explain even the smallest fraction of the love Lucifer feels for the man.

John wraps his arm around Lucifer's middle and drags Lucifer against him. He kisses Lucifer's ear. Lucifer shivers, he knows John does it just for that reason too. Lips press against the skin that connected the back of the neck with the shoulders. Lucifer feels a wonderful pooling of warmth in his belly. John starts to laugh a rumble that Lucifer feels against his back from the press of John's bare stomach, and against that spot on his neck and shoulders where John's lips still rest.

"Happy New Year," John breathes into Lucifer's skin before lightly kissing the spot again. Lucifer grins, letting out a happy gasp.


	18. November 9, 2002

John was not looking forward to being home this time. He'd stayed with Adam for about a week. He was a really good kid. He wanted is father to like him and John had a hard time convincing him that he would like Adam no matter what Adam did. Adam didn't want him to love, but John had to go home. Leaving was hard, especially when Adam begged him to stay. John hated having to give another one his sons the 'be strong, be brave, and I'll be back soon' speech.

As hard as leaving was going home was harder. John thought it was to his credit that he made even less stops than normal. Lucifer wanted him home a week ago and John felt too guilty to do anything but speed home. But when he got there he sat in the driveway for a good five minutes until Lucifer appeared next to John's truck.

"Thought you were never coming home," Lucifer said. His voice was an octave lower than normal. The deeper voice was the one Lucifer used for only two occasions: when he wanted John in bed, now! And when he was trying to pretend like he wasn't upset over something. Either way it hardly mattered which one it was. If John didn't stop him quickly Lucifer would pop them into their bedroom.

Lucifer loved physical affection, so much so that John wondered if it was either very common in heaven and Lucifer missed it, or is physical contact was very rare in heaven and Lucifer was addicted to something very human. This too hardly mattered. John would satisfy Lucifer either way.

As much as Lucifer seemed to enjoy sex, John could tell when Lucifer just wanted to be reassured by touch and couldn't think of any way to ask except to initiate sex. John also didn't know to tell Lucifer he could just ask for affection, especially with how long this had been going on.

John placed a hand on Lucifer's. Lucifer took it for the sign it was and looked worried. John still tried to play it down with a smile. It was one he used when he flirted for his job, charming and fake and Lucifer would know this. John tightened his grip like some kind of apology for making Lucifer worry.

"Let me inside, and then we'll talk about where I was all week," he said. He tried to find the best way to phrase it where it wouldn't sound like he was about to break up with Lucifer. Although maybe making him think John was leaving him and then it just turned out John had another son might keep Lucifer from getting too angry, or it might make him angrier.

Lucifer stood back from the truck door so John could get out. John glanced toward the trunk where Lucifer's gift was. But they'd get to that later. John just couldn't celebrate their anniversary when he wasn't completely certain if he's still have his partner by the end of the evening. John just grabbed his duffle with all his dirty clothes.

John had always been really good at avoiding uncomfortable topics. He did this by physically avoiding them and by ignoring them when they came up. He was going to have to induce this one, though. Still. He took time to separate his colors and whites and put them in the laundry where he'd deal with them later.

John was very aware of how close Lucifer was standing and how closely Lucifer shadowed him. John never found Lucifer's lost puppy act cute. He always found it very troubling and that discomfort normal manifest itself as anger. John took a deep breath to keep himself calm. He very carefully put out of his mind any other option. He could get a shower. He could insist on eating, or sleeping. He could even ask to have their anniversary first and then he'd tell Lucifer.

Instead, John turned, seeing the carefully blank (and therefore highly anxious look) Lucifer was giving him. John smiled fondly and sadly. He tangled his fingers into Lucifer's hair and pulled him into a kiss. John wondered when he stopped dreaming about one specific set of blue eyes and long silk hair and the press of soft skin against John's own when they kissed. John wondered when he started dreaming about a very different set of blue eyes and short hair that offered a more challenging hand hold and the rub of that permanent stubble against his face when they kissed.

"I have something to tell you," John said when he pulled out of the kiss. Lucifer looked annoyed like he wanted John to shut up so they could get back to kissing. John nearly smiled and Lucifer's grumpy smile. He did kiss the end of Lucifer's nose, because he knew it would make Lucifer frown like he always did. Lucifer did not disappoint him this time either. John traces small circles on the back of Lucifer's neck with his thumb. His hand was still tangled in Lucifer's hair where they both liked it.

"I really screwed up this time, Lucifer. And it was too big to tell you over the phone." John was almost surprised by how much his voice croaked to even get this out.

"Going to tell me now?" Lucifer asked, eyeing the very compact washroom they were standing in.

"Sofa?" John asked.

"Better," Lucifer said with an uneasy smirk. He pulled away from John's hold, but linked fingers with John. On a whim John raised their hands and kissed Lucifer's fingers. Lucifer turned back and smiled tiredly. "That bad?"

"No, just wishing I was good enough for you."

"Not today, John," Lucifer said with a fond smile. Sometimes John got hit by how divine Lucifer was. Sometimes he didn't even care. Because even if Lucifer were human he would deserve better than John Winchester.

Lucifer tugged John down so they were seating on the sofa. Lucifer dropped his legs over John's lap. On habit John ran his hand over Lucifer's shins. John was reminded of the hundreds of difficult discussions they'd had on that sofa, sometimes over wine and sometimes over whiskey and sometimes over Jerry Springer because the informality was the only way one of the other of them could get it out.

"You remember Kate Milligan?"

Lucifer's eyes narrowed. "Get to the point, John."

"I didn't sleep with her again, Luce," John said quickly. He didn't want Lucifer to think even for a minute that John had broken that promise. The quiet unsure touches that John got from the archangel were more than enough reason for John to never want Lucifer to think that even for a second, even if it might make this little bombshell easier to deal with.

"Get to the point."

John sighed heavily and scrubbed the hand not still on Lucifer's leg over his beard. He really wished he'd insisted on the shower first. Or the nap.

"I got her pregnant." John risked a quick glance up at Lucifer's face and regretted it. "About thirteen years ago. Her son, my son, called me two days before our anniversary. It was his birthday. I had to go, Lucifer, don't you see. I couldn't fail him too, again."

John couldn't look up, not after that quick glimpse of the thunder on Lucifer's face. He realized he was still stroking Lucifer's legs. They didn't seem any more tense and honestly John was just glad that Lucifer hadn't pulled away.

"You really screwed up," Lucifer said with a deep sigh. John could feel Lucifer shift so lean back more against the cushions.

"I know."

"Were you with him all week?"

"Yes," John said. He kept his eyes firmly fixed on the automatic motion of his hands.

"Just him?"

"No. Kate let me stay at her house after the second day. But I did not sleep with her, Lucifer. I promise you. Adam wanted me to stay. How could I say no?" he could hear the desperation in his own voice. Lucifer at least could act calm.

"Adam?" John did not like the deep note he heard in Lucifer's voice.

"My son," John said. He finally looked at Lucifer. Lucifer's voice had sounded so tired, but John could tell it was from more than exhaustion. Lucifer was looking at John and he just looked disappointed. When Lucifer opened his mouth again John wished Lucifer would just yell at him.

"I raised your sons, John. I raised them, not you. And now you tell me there's a third you're not raising?"

That cut John. Turns out John wasn't the only one who knew how to hit where it hurt. And it made John angry. He didn't want to beg for forgiveness anymore. He wanted to break Lucifer's nose. The only thing that kept John from doing so was knowing he'd break his own hand for the trouble. Instead he kept stroking Lucifer's leg, not even realizing.

"Do you want me to apologize?" John started to ask through clenched teeth. "You want me to say I'm sorry because I fucked up? Because I can't. He's his own person and to wish I hadn't made that mistake would wish he never existed. And that's not something I can't do, Lucifer." He glared at Lucifer

"I don't care," Lucifer said, sounding tired and looking bored. This was more like what John though the Devil would look like.

"Well, I do," John said, though it honestly sounded more like an animal's snarl. This bored look had John's hackles up.

"Well, I don't," Lucifer said like it was that simple. He leaned forward, looking John right in the eyes. John forgot how unnerving Lucifer's staring could be. That was normally all it took Sam or Dean to admit to and apologize for anything. It felt like John was having his soul strip searched.

"He's my son."

"Which is why I won't kill him," Lucifer said. He pulled his legs out of John's lap and stood up. He started to walk away.

"Lucifer!" John snapped. He didn't get up, but he did turn to see Lucifer's back. Lucifer did stop. "You won't touch him, Lucifer."

"I said I wouldn't, John. And I won't hurt his mother. But don't get me wrong. I don't care about humanity. I might pretend that I do, but the only beings I care about on this planet are you and Sam and Dean. You're not adding a fourth soul to this deal."

Now John did jumped up. "God dammit! There's no deal, Lucifer. You don't have to stay here if you don't want to."

Lucifer had started to climb the stairs. Now he turned to look back at John. His eyes looked dead, and they pinned John down until John sat back on the sofa. Lucifer didn't say anything else, he just went back upstairs. John couldn't even move until he heard the sound of their bedroom door close.

"Really fucked up," John said quietly. He looked down at his hands because he didn't know what else to do.


	19. November 2006

"Okay, Adam, we'll see you soon," Jess said before she hung up. "Your brother says hi," she added. They were packed into the Impala it was late and they were headed to the cemetery.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Dean grouched. It wasn't that Dean really disliked Adam, per say, but Adam was the only one in their family who had no real idea what was going on. Kate nor John had told him anything. He was a completely normal kid. By Adam's age, Dean already knew how to clean and oil a gun; had already shot people and already decapitated a vampire. Jess, at Adam's age, could also clean and oil a gun, but she also knew how to hunt animals.

"You're calling him tomorrow when we're done with this," Jess said.

"Yeah, like that's going to happen," Dean said.

Sam rather thought it would completely happen. Dean just hadn't figured out that Jess was the one who politely smiled at Lucifer until she could show him how to take care of John's weapon collection, even though John and Sam and Dean had never been able to make him even touch a human weapon. If she could politely convince the devil to do anything, then there wasn't anything she couldn't convince Dean to do.

"So, what do we have this time?" Jess asked.

"Standard salt and burn," Dean said. They'd been on the road over a month. Dean hadn't let Jess ride shotgun yet. They'd been training her, which there wasn't really any way to do that but tell you how to shoot and toss you in the shark infested waters. Sam had been having her help with research, but she picked things up quickly. She'd been a big help with that wendigo too, especially since she was the only one of them who had any hiking experience.

"Do you know who it is yet?" Jess asked.

"We have an idea," Sam said.

"Yes," Dean said more definitively. He was certain. Sam wasn't so certain.

"Who?" Jess asked.

"A Tammy Baker," Dean said. "Died ten years ago, about the time the house's new residents reported seeing things."

"Died of?" Jess asked.

"Mysterious circumstances," Dean said.

"Your research abilities are the best Dean," Jess said.

"Yeah, well, you can dig up the grave," Dean said.

"Oh Joy," Jess said, rolling her eyes as they parked. She climbed out, waiting for Sam and Dean to get the shovels. Dean tossed her a shovel, which was fine with her.

"Come on Dean, Jess, you can hold the flash light," Sam said.

"No chance Sammy," Jess said, marching after Dean. She did see Sam pull the face though. "Not that I don't love you, because I do or I wouldn't be out here having all this fun, but I've got to do something at some point. I might as well start with digging."

She also didn't miss the shit eating grin Dean threw back at them. She didn't care, though. She was bored. Dean didn't trust her yet and Sam was too busy trying to protect her. She was tired of being left in the motel. When they found Tammy Baker's grave Jess was the first to break ground.

Digging was digging. Jess had a lot of brothers and she'd practically gone through Boy Scout training with them just because they needed someone to practice with. Her family hunted and camped. She'd dug holes before. It had just been a while. Her hands were too smooth and she was going to have some damn uncomfortable blisters come the morning. She didn't complain, though, she just kept digging. This, at least, was familiar.

Really, it was just a standard salt and burn. Once they found Tammy's body and Sam helped Jess out of the hole she watched Dean sprinkle the salt and Sam sprinkle the gas and they lit up the body. When the fire went out they reburied the body, packed up and went back to the motel for showers, blister tending and sleep.

* * *

It turned out their standard salt and burn wasn't so standard after all. The house's owner called and said that things hadn't gotten better, in fact they'd gotten worse the previous night. That meant that they had to go there themselves that evening. Dean was pissed as hell because his information had been wrong. Jess was excited though. She'd actually get to do something.

The home's owner stayed away that night, leaving the three of them with salt and iron pokers and guns to try and figure out the mess. The problems started as soon as they got in. The spirit had been annoying, but not vengeful until that evening. Now it was throwing things around, including Sam who'd been thrown clean across the room.

Jess caught a glimpse of the ghost, who looked to be in her mid-thirties. "Dammit Dean!" she shouted.

"What?" Dean snapped from across the room aiming at the ghost and trying to fire but the spirit flickered away before Dean was slung across the room.

"Tammy Baker was 74 when she died. This spirit can't be any more than 35!" Jess shouted.

"So who is it?" Sam shouted. He fired but missed.

"Bring her back!" The spirit shouted, getting right up in Sam's space, picking him up by an arm in his chest. Sam gasped in pain.

"Sam!" Dean shouted aiming his gun.

"Who!" Jess shouted. "Bring who back?"

The spirit stopped and looked at Jess. The spirit flickered away and Sam dropped. Jess vaguely could see Dean making his way to Sam, but there was suddenly a ghost in her face.

"Where is she!" the ghost shouted. Jess stepped back a few steps and turned around but the ghost was in her face again. "Where is she!" The ghost shrieked.

"Jess!" Jess heard Sam call.

"Tammy?" Jess asked.

"Tammy, Tammy, where'd Tammy?" the ghost asked.

"She passed on, I'm sorry," Jess said quietly.

"No," the ghost said. "No, she said she wouldn't leave, she promised!"

"Everyone dies," Jess said quickly. She felt her heard pounding in her ears. The ghost had stopped attacking, but she probably didn't have much time with the ghost getting upset. "What's your name?"

The ghost looked confused for a minute. "Rachel," she said quietly.

"Did you know Tammy when you were alive?" Jess asked.

Rachel nodded. "Yes we were…"

"Married?" Jess took a stab at it. Rachel looked so crushed.

"Would have been if we could have," Rachel said.

"She passed on, Rachel," Jess said. "You waited for her so you could be together. It's time for you to move on now. She's waiting for her."

"I'm afraid," Rachel admitted.

"Okay," Jess said, shrugging. "But you'll be alone forever if you don't go. Do you really want to make Tammy wait for you while you're here?"

"No," Rachel said, steeling her resolve. She smiled a bit and seemed to light up. Jess had to close her eyes, but when she opened then Rachel was gone.

Sam was on the floor. Dean was kneeling over him. Dean had his gun up aimed at where Rachel had been. They were both panting, but then so was Jess. She flashed them a shaky smile.

"Why don't you take me with you for the research part next time?" she suggested and then sprinted to the bathroom. That was the first time she'd faced down a ghost, she was allowed a little fear and weakness, she though.


	20. November 17, 1988

John knows he should feel bad for how long it took to get off the mountain. He can't quiet help it that he's enjoying Nick's company though. Nick had a wicked, biting sense of humor and honestly John can't remember the last time he laughed so hard. It didn't help that the snow storm kicked in. There was nothing John could have done for the second week. And maybe he did feel guilty for not raging against the storm, but there really wasn't anything he could have done.

"So, are we there yet?" Nick asked. He was wearing a pair of clothes that actually fit him. John had taken a pit stop to get them showers and a real bed that was not the one cot Nick and John had been using for two and a half weeks. John wasn't even thinking about how much he missed having Nick next to him. It was just companionship that he was going to miss when he dropped Nick off.

"Not yet," John said, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel.

"Will you teach me pool again?" Nick asked. John glanced at him. Nick did look good when he was in clothes that actually fit. He'd looked silly in John's oversized shirts. Though the funny picture of Nick swimming in John's too large shirts was not one John was going to forget any time soon.

"Maybe," John said.

"You think your friend will be able to help me?" Nick hedge anxiously. It wasn't wrong for Nick to be nervous. Two and a half weeks and while he was all healed up, Nick didn't remember a damn thing about who he was aside from a first name. He could talk about books and ancient history like it was no one's business, which made John wonder if maybe Nick had been a professor.

"Bobby will be able to help," John said. He was feeling a bit nervous though himself. He'd called Bobby at the motel to tell him he was one his way back. Bobby was not happy at all. To be fair, John said he'd be gone for two weeks and had been gone for over a month and was out of contact that whole time.

John pulled the truck he'd borrow from Bobby into Bobby's drive way. He hopped out and went to grab their bags from the truck. When he looked in the back he saw they were gone. A quick glance up proved that Nick had gathered up everything.

"Don't be nervous," John said. He walked around the truck and took one of the bags. He didn't even have to get up the stairs before the door opened and small arms were circling his legs.

"Dad!" Sam's little voice screamed before the three year old tackled John's legs. Dean had also shouted, but the seven year old hesitated. John knelt down and dragged them both into a hug. He'd missed them, he really had. Sam gave in easily to the affection but it took Dean a moment to loosen up and he only hugged back for a minute before he pulled away.

"Were you boys good for Uncle Bobby?" John asked.

"Yes, sir," Dean said proudly.

"Sir?" Nick asked in his normal mocking tone. "John, are you raising boys or soldiers?"

"Shut up," John said, sounding annoyed. He turned to look at Nick. Dean was also staring now and looking uncertain. John just wasn't in the mood to deal with Nick's bullshit. John stood up, Sam in his arms.

"Let me take that for you, Dad," Dean said, rushing forward to grab the bag.

"Dean, it's too heavy," John said.

"I've got it!" Dean insisted and John felt proud. Dean was already working hard to be strong.

"No, I've got it," Nick said, scooping the heavy bag out of Dean's hands. He shot John a look and walked into the house. John shot him a glare and followed him. Dean's face had fallen. He wanted to prove he could do it, why would Nick take that from him?

"Hello, you must be Bobby. Is there some place I can put these?" John heard Nick asked far more politely than he'd ever said anything to John. Nick would guffaw and snort and roll his eyes if John ever tried to insist that he be more polite.

"Down is fine," Bobby said. "So, you're Nick, I take it?"

"Yep," Nick said, dropping the bags in Bobby's book den. "It's nice to finally meet you."

"Dad?" Sam asked from John's arms, looking apprehensively at Nick.

Nick turned around and smiled at Sam, grinning like a complete fool. John smiled despite himself. "Hello there, you must be Sam. Your dad talks about you all the time. I must have heard the story of your first step a million times the past few weeks. I'm Nick."

"Hi," Sam said shyly.

Nick grinned. "Can I hold him?"

"Sam?" John asked, looking down at the boy in his arm. "Do you want Nick to hold you?"

Sam looked between John and Nick before looking back at John. "Okay," he said.

Nick scooped Sam out of John's arms. Next thing John knew, Sam was sitting on Nick's shoulders, hugging his head. "One day you're going to be this tall Sammy, I can tell already," Nick said.

"Yes," Sam agreed. John had to smile. Maybe Sam was a bit shy around strangers, but he quickly directed Nick into a game of dinosaurs where Nick was the T-Rex Sam was riding. Nick made monster noises and Sam laughed like crazy.

"Dean, why don't you play with those two for a minute. I need to talk to Bobby," John said.

"Okay, Dad," Dean said. John didn't think he wanted to. Dean probably thought he was old enough to be in on adult conversations. But Dean didn't argue, he just went and slipped into the game, playing a space man who came to kill the dinosaurs. Nick never broke character. He'd squatted and ran in a way that was bowlegged, but wouldn't accidentally knock Sam's head into anything, and it gave Dean a fighting chance to catch the much longer legged adult.

John pulled the double doors shut and looked at Bobby who was staring at him. "Yes?" John asked.

"He's real cute, John," Bobby said with deep sarcasm. "Just as cute as a button. Do you plan on keeping him in a jar on your mantel or like a teddy bear on your pillow."

"Jesus, shut up," John groaned, dropping into a seat. "The guy was lying naked in the snow beat all to hell. It's a miracle he's healed up so damn fast. If it weren't for the damn snow storm we might have been back sooner."

"You could have just dumped him and got back faster," Bobby said.

"Yes, let's ditch the amnesiac who has no idea, no clothes, and no idea how to make coffee. That'll go great."

"You didn't have to stay up there that extra week, John. You could have been back by the 5th, instead of an exact week before Thanksgiving. If the guy was really that badly beaten up he needed a doctor, not whatever form of triage medicine you had for yourself and yourself only. Did you even have enough food."

"We managed," John said. His face was getting hot and his voice tight. Yes, he had needed to go partially down the mountain to find enough food for them, but Nick had still needed clothes then and was still too weak to move. John was definitely not thinking about how Nick had around in only on foe John's shirts for days because the pants were too big to pull up until John had bought a belt in town. Or how Nick had nearly burnt down the cabin trying to cook. Or how Nick had been on his feet after Sunday or how if John hadn't stalled for one more day that he could have beat the storm.

"Yeah, and Sam and Dean were out of their minds with fear. You shouldn't have told that boy."

"And what? Tell him his mother just died in a fire?" John snapped.

"Yes!" Bobby near roared.

"You're not their father!" John snapped

"Hey!" Nick snapped, pushing the double doors often. Sam was balanced on his hip, hand fisted in Nick's shirt. Dean stood at Nick's feet, clinging to his jeans. "Do I have separate you two? I swear to God I will put you both in time out." Dean snickered a bit until John shot him a look. "John," Nick crooned and John's eyes shot up.

"Yes?" John asked, trying to play along with whatever stupid game Nick was playing at that moment.

"Your voice carries throughout this paper shack like crazy. So you think you can whisper when you're having an argument?"

Honestly when John looked at Bobby, John wasn't certain which of them probably had the more shocked expression.

"Okay boys, let's go back to dinosaur land. The old men will talk live civilized people now," Nick said as he turned away, leading the boys off.

There was silence in Bobby's Den for a moment before Bobby lowered himself into his creaking chair. "What was that about not being able to fend for himself?"

"Shut up, Bobby."


	21. September 18, 2008

Dean's not sure why he's not surprised when he and Sam and Jess wake up to a room of angels one morning. If anything, he's surprised it didn't come sooner. It's not like he doesn't know that Sam's been praying every night for Lucifer to show up again. Aside from six months ago, Lucifer's kept himself to himself. And they've had bigger things to worry about, like the no name demon who figured out how to open the gates of hell.

Seeing John walk out of hell, even for a minute had been shocking and painful to both Dean and Sam. It wasn't like shaking up the devil was a one way ticket to heaven, but to know where John was, now that was very painful. Sam had tried to put a good spin on it, like Lucifer was keeping house with their dad in Hell, but Lucifer had looked very sad and tired when they'd last seen him, and Dean couldn't get over the idea that if John was in Hell, the Lucifer could just drag him out. But he hadn't, and he'd chosen to not talk to them.

Mostly Dean didn't want to think about it. But having two angels at the foot of your bed. It had to be angels too, because Dean whipped the gun from under his pillow and shot the white guy in the trench coat and he didn't bleed. Demons bled when you shot them, or better to say that poor saps they were riding bled. Angels didn't bleed when they were shot. There was no point for them to. Their vessels didn't die or age.

"What?" Sam asked, sitting bolt upright at the sound of gunshots. Jessica had sat up to, but Sam had put himself between the two men and Jess on automatic.

"Angels," Dean said, lowering his gun. There wasn't anything it could do except waste bullets.

"You have faith," the guy Dean had shot said. Dean's eyebrow shot up into his hair. It was hard to believe such a non-threatening looking man could have such a deep voice.

"No, I've just dealt with you winged ass-monkeys before."

"Dean," Sam said with clear disapproval. But whatever.

"What are you here for?"

"Heaven as chosen you for a higher cause," the trenchcoat guy said.

"Bullshit," Dean said automatically. Heaven wouldn't want him for anything.

"God has chosen you."

"Dean," Sam said a bit more urgently. Dean glanced at him. Sam had faith. Hell, Sam had been praying to God to forgive Lucifer for as long as they'd known who Lucifer was. But they both knew this couldn't be good. The Devil couldn't run around free when the gates of Hell had been open and all kinds of mayhem had ensued.

"To do what?" Dean asked, trying not to feel the clench in his stomach.

"You are the family of the Righteous Man," the black angel said.

"The what now?" Jessica asked. She was on her knees behind Sam so she could still see around him.

"There are 66 seals that must be broken before Lucifer can be released from Hell and the apocalypse can begin," the white angel said. Neither Sam nor Dean looked at each other. They were too busy staring at the angels. "The first seal is to be broken when the Righteous Man sins in Hell."

"Dad," Dean said, feeling like he'd just been punched in the chest.

"John Winchester made a deal with a demon to save his son's life," the black angel said. Dean suddenly felt like it was hard to breath. His dad was in hell for him? That was why he'd come out of hell? John had died because of Dean?

"Dean," Sam said. Dean didn't look over at Sam.

"Screw this," Dean said angrily. He threw off the covers and went to find his pants.

"Dean?" Sam asked.

"Sammy this is not the type of news I need to here when I'm not wearing pants!" Dean snapped. That seemed to get to Sam and Jess because Sam got up and pulled on pants and Jessica went to the bathroom to change from her pajamas into real clothes.

It only took a few minutes for everyone to get dress. The angels waited silently the whole time. Dean eyed them warily. The trench coat guy glanced around the room like it was the first time he'd ever seen a room. The black guy stared boredly ahead like the room itself was far beneath his feet. As Dean understood it, Angels were all kinds of phenomenal cosmic power, crammed into an itty bitty living space so they didn't burn up human retinas. It wouldn't be a stretch for such beings to think of something like a ratty motel as far beneath them.

"So," Sam finally said once all of the humans in the room had gotten dressed. "What does this have to do with us."

"I am Castiel, and this is Uriel. We are part of a unit that was about to be sent in after John Winchester," the white angel, Castiel, said. "But it has come to our attention that Lucifer has already risen without breaking the 66 seals."

"So?" Jessica said. "You're just going to leave John down there."

"John Winchester is very well hidden, as are you three," Castiel said. "Uriel and I were taken out of the unit that has been sent after John Winchester. To our knowledge we has not sinned in hell yet, but the Righteous Man is supposed to lead the charge against Lucifer."

Dean snorted. Fat chance there. He suddenly realized that both angels were looking at him. "So, what, my dad's supposed to lead an army? An angel army?"

"I would not think it wise to laugh, mud monkey," the black one, Uriel said with a sneer. Dean thought that Lucifer could scatter him to the four winds without blinking and then shoved that thought down. The angels did not need to know they knew him, not yet.

"The Righteous Man must sin in hell before the seals can be broken," Castiel said. "But Lucifer is already out of the cage." The angel spoke with great gravity. Dean and Sam and Jess just stared at him. Dean though Jess was probably the smartest of the three of them, because while they all knew about Lucifer, it would probably be very dangerous to let anyone know they did, especially with Lucifer not answering calls.

"How?" Jess asked in little more than a whisper. Dean had to give her acting props.

"We are… uncertain," Castiel said.

"So what do you need us for?" Jess asked. "Because surely you can't think that three humans can do much good when Lucifer's doing things angels can't figure out."

"There are only so many of us," Castiel said as if to override anything that Uriel looked like he wanted to say. "God has chosen the Winchesters to do his work here on earth. We need people who can do heaven's will. As the children of the Righteous Man, they are part of heaven's plan."

"Not like we're going to get much say in this," Sam said bitterly.

"But what can we do?" Dean asked. Jess did have a point.

"You do what we say when we tell you," Uriel said.

"And if we don't?" Dean asked.

"You have been chosen, Dean," Castiel said. "Would you argue with God?"

If it meant killing a part of his family, then yes he would, but Dean didn't say that. He just looked a bit stricken.

"Will you get Mr. Winchester out of Hell?" Jess asked suddenly.

"We are doing all we can," Castiel said. "But it will be easier if we do not have to fight so many wars up here as well."

"Then we're in," Dean said. Sam didn't argue. Jess didn't argue.

"Good," Castiel said and the angels were gone.

Dean grabbed the closest chair and leaned on it. "Jesus!"

"Well, that's one way to wake up in the morning," Jess said, sitting on the table.

"Will they be able to get dad?" Sam asked, moving close to Jess.

"Who knows, but at least they're trying," Dean said.

"Yeah, but they're also going to try and get us to help them kill Lucifer. That's what the Apocalypse is all about, Dean," Sam said, sitting back down on the bed.

"Not like we have to, just stall until they get Dad back," Dean pointed out.

"And then what?" Jess asked. "You think Lucifer will come back then?"

"Why wouldn't he?" Dean asked.

"He did leave when Dad died. Maybe he didn't have the power to bring Dad back, and needed Heaven to do it," Sam said hopefully. Dean wished that would be it.

"You guys are over the looking the fact that your angel dad has been outed," Jess said. "To Heaven. There's no way, even if he backs off, that things can just go back to normal."

"Maybe it will," Sam said.

"Sam, there's no way," Jess said hotly. Dean wanted to wince. He did back away as slowly as he could. They'd been arguing more and more since Lucifer showed up last, specifically since the "Ground Hog Day" incident. And especially since that damn Hell gate opened.

"Why? Why can't it happen?" Sam demanded.

"Because if Heaven is anything like demons or even humans, they aren't just going to let it go when their greatest enemy decides he doesn't want to fight anymore."

"How do you know?" Sam demanded. "They're angels, Jessica."

"Lucifer's an angel. Does he ever let anything go?"

"It's not the same," Sam said.

"Because he's Satan?" Jess demanded. "I've never met anyone more stubborn in my life. What makes you think that the angels will be different."

"It is. They're righteous."

"They just blackmailed you and Dean into doing what they wanted," Jess pointed out.

That shut everyone up for a minute and then Sam got really angry. "What do you know?" Sam asked. "They seem to think me and Dean can do something for them, so why shouldn't we?"

"Is this about the demon blood?" Jess asked. That made Sam get really quiet. "Look, I don't know what that demon has been telling you-"

"Ruby."

"What?"

"That demon. Her name's Ruby, and she's been saving our asses. She's on our side Jess, I don't see why you can't see that?"

"How about because she's a demon."

"But Lucifer-"

"Is an angel, Sam," Jess said. "And he's not a manipulative little demon is a pretty wrapper."

Sam got red around the neck. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, come on, that brown haired girl she's possessing is cute, Sam. I know how she looks at you, and I know how you look at her." Now Jess just seemed sad.

"Come on, Jess, this is ridiculous. Are you really accusing me of sleeping with a demon?"

That really took the wind out of Jess's sails. "No, I was accusing you of having a crush on her."

Sam looked more than a bit guilty. He didn't touch the topic, though. "I'm going to get us breakfast, does anyone want anything."

"Just whatever," Dean said. He was looking at Jess who wasn't looking at Sam. Sam wasn't looking at Jess, he just took the car keys and left.

Jess stood still until a few moments after Sam was gone, when they both heard the sound of the Impala pulling away from the parking lot. She made almost no sound as she went to the fridge and pulled out a beer, twisting the top off and taking a big gulp.

"Hard to believe we were almost married once," she said sadly.

"Jess," Dean said, trying to sound sympathetic.

"He wants to feel powerful," Jess said. "And she makes him feel powerful and in control. And she's dangerous. Got to hand it to her. She's perfect for him."

"Jess," Dean said again.

"I'm not leaving, Dean," Jess said, sitting down on the bed and pulling out her gun. She started to take it apart and clean it. "You two are my family now… I just didn't expect to get moved from fiancée to just friend is all."

"Jess," Dean said again. But he honestly didn't know what to say. He didn't think the words he found were that good. "You aren't broken up yet."

"Yet," Jess pointed out. "but he just admitted to sleeping with another woman. Just one more fight and it's broken… I think I might go hang out with uncle Bobby when that happens, if you don't mind."

"Why would I mind?" Dean asked, sitting down next to Jess. "You're a fucking unicorn, you know that? You find out Sam and I hunt the things that go bump in the night and have been raised by the Devil and you say 'okay, sign me up for that'. And then you decide to stay doing this when the guy you got into it for is dumping you?"

"I got introduced to it by Sam. I came with him as a good excuse, but I wanted to come. I like hunting. It's like… a classroom setting, being at school. It's like that was a dream. But this… this is my real life. I want to do this until I get slow enough that one of those night bumpy creatures catches me and I go down fighting."

"Don't talk like that," Dean nearly snapped. He didn't need another person he cared about dying.

"It's just what it is, Dean," Jess said as she continued to clean her gun.


End file.
